Linda Mackey

Dear Linda,
"You're a woman of faith and honesty,

Darling Linda, I remember when I first met you. I was so very young. It was during a hot, sticky summer in our little Merced, and I had registered for the summer theater program at Playhouse. It was your first show there, I believe, one you had written yourself titled "Wassup, Aesop?" During casting, I recall wanting to be the farmer's wife in the skit derived from the fable "The Goose that Laid the Golden Egg." I tried so very hard at the auditions, but in the end you insisted I was perfect for the role of "Raina Rabbit" in "The Tortoise and the Hare". I was so angry with you. It's laughable now, the things a ten year old considers the end of the world, but you merely smiled and assured me that it was right. I learned to trust you, and it was then that I grew to love you as my friend and mentor. We had other shows together, including "Through the Looking Glass" and "Happily Ever After" with your beautiful daughters. You are responsible for bringing me together with the best friend I've ever had, Michael Bell, and during our tiffs and tribulations you would give that radiant smile and yours eyes would say to us "have patience" as if you knew our future all along. Every week I would look forward to seeing you for classes, I remember wanting to be a part of your life more than anything, even after we drifted apart. You should know that I think of you every week. Your memory is a constant part of me, though I haven't seen you in many years. I've taken what you've given me and applied it to my life, and I will continue to do so. Please know that I love you and admire you more than I can say, and that my one regret is that I couldn't tell you this myself. I hope you can feel me from heaven and hear my thoughts. You will be forever young and beautiful in my heart, Linda. I'll take you with me wherever I go. Thank you for being a prominent part of a blessed childhood. I love you. This isn't good-bye.

In my high school years, I was prone to anxiety attacks. I had no idea what was wrong with me. My life was happy and nearly stress-free, but heart pounding panic would set in at the strangest times. Being on stage was a relief, I never felt anxious there. I would say that I was nervous if others said that they felt nervous, but performing really only elated me. My first semester of college, it got worse. A few times I left classes early, ducking into bathrooms so that nobody would see me cry out of frustration. The bike back home felt like it would kill me. My heart would often pound with unstoppable worry over something mysterious. I was scared of myself, thinking that I was malfunctioning or something. I had absolutely no control over myself. I found fear in every situation. I remember one morning I woke up at three with an anxiety attack, crying as quietly as I could alone at the kitchen table, thinking I would have to drop all of my classes only because I physically couldn't do it. Pathetically enough I was in the dark thinking that this would assure that nobody in the back rooms would hear or notice me. I was wrapped in a blanket, counting my blessings, doing everything my groggy mind could come up with to stop crying, stop worrying, but I couldn't. I even tried meditation and breathing exercises. At one point my head was buried in my arms and I heard the light switch. I looked up and you were standing there, hair disheveled, one eye open. I jumped up and apologized, tears still coming out of my face, asking if you woke up because of me. You smiled and said not to apologize and that you woke up because you knew that something was wrong. I knew that you *had* heard me, and phrased your response in according honesty (you were always very honest). I didn't scare you at all. Nobody's feelings ever scared you, no matter what form they took. You knew what love was, even in the early morning hours. You told me a story then Marmee as you filled the kettle with water. You asked me if you had ever told me about how you knew that you were pregnant with me immediately...you said my presence was so strong with you that you knew whenever I entered or exited a room as a child because you could feel me there, and that that was why I could never get away with anything. :) You told me this as you put a damp rag on my neck and fixed a cup of tea for us both. You read me excerpts from the Bible, from plays. Whenever you spoke, I stopped crying. You read from Sense and Sensibility, from Lord of the Rings. The same thing happened. It made us laugh. We ended up talking and feeling like we were solving all the problems in the world that night. We went to the doctors that week and I was prescribed medication, but I only took it for about a month because somehow through knowing that my anxiety was not my secret anymore, and not something unnatural and uncontrollable, I was able to calm myself down with your words. With the memory of you kind presence. I didn't have an anxiety attack that badly again, not until after I sat with your body after your spirit had already left you. I was afraid of a life without you immediately. My first moment alone, I wept deeply and couldn't stop. I felt electrocuted with loss. In life you had reminded me all the time that that life is an excellent an beautiful thing, and that all people are so capable, that I am capable. These things are sometimes hard to remember one one's own. I felt more alone than I have ever felt. But then in my mind, I heard over and over "I love you". The last coherent words that you said to me. You said it three times that night, like you couldn't say it enough. Like you knew I needed to hear it for the rest of my life. I remembered that night that you read to me, and was comforted by all of the wise words that you shared. Marmee, I couldn't talk about certain things with anyone but you. You had an endless patience with me. You saw my most irrational side. You saw me angry more than anyone ever did. You took it all with so much grace. So much forgiveness and love. You respected all my silly secrets. You played with us all the time, never ignoring us if you could help it. You introduced us to puppets and wigs and play-dough and taught me everything useful, like to say thank you those with thankless jobs, and how to pick out a ripe pineapple. You saw me through everything. You were my teacher, my marmee, my inspiration. You would never believe me when I told you it, but you were the perfect mother. You naturally made a few mistakes every now and then, but you influenced all of your children to be the kind of people who have long since forgiven any and all of your faults, even to grow from them. You were wonderful, and as long as I live I will still love you.

Driving you to your first day of radiation, I stuck in the CD I had made you, to up lift you and make you feel better. The first song was by Alicia Key's, because I wanted you to know how much you meant to me in my life, it said, "imagine there was no tomorrow, imagine that I couldn't see your face there'd be end to my sorrow, cause there is nothing that could fill this space", and that day came for me sooner that I ever thought it would.

For the last 15 year's we always said we would grow old together, that we would buy houses next door to each other with big porches, and sit in our rocking chairs out there and talk with each other all day, who am I going to do that with now? We were each others best friend, we've shared more with each other than with any other person, we held each other's secrets, watched each other's kid's, we even had a slumber party, just us two.      For over 19 year's I've got to hang out with one of the most fun, loving, unconventional, and most Godly women I've had the fortune to come into contact with. God brought us together, and for the last 3 1/2 year's, He's had us walk this journey together, first mine and then your's, He knew He had given us a special love for one another that nothing and no one could break, and that we were able to carry each other when our burden got too heavy.  I love you Linda, I made you a promise that I would be there till the end, and God allowed me to fulfill it, I was there when you got the diagnosis, and I was there when you took your last breath, loving you will all I had inside.  I AM GOING TO MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put another rocker on your porch in Heaven and wait for me, I'll see you soon, for there is nothing between us now but time. I love you my best friend.

You were the gentlest of moms, both physically and emotionally, never neglecting and never pushing too hard. If we wanted to play or to draw or anything, you would drop what you were doing and play or draw with us. You never let us be lonely. We never bought Halloween costumes, we always made them ourselves with you, and that was the highlight of the day. You would build forts with us, and it was okay to you even if it took up half the house. You spontaneously brought us places like Monterey, Disneyland, or the snow if we were all sad or felt trapped. You wanted the best for us and always taught us good morals. We would have morning tea and bible study as kids and were only given candy on celebration days so it tasted 10 times sweeter. You were my teacher, acting coach, and my mother. You have always been here, and now there is a gaping hole in my life. It will take some time to get used to, but you always told me to be happy for you when you left. However happy I am for you though, I guess I'm mostly sad for myself because I won't be able to share with you the life you gave me. I know you'll always be here though, you'll see me grow up and when my time is at an end we will be reunited. I am so grateful for everything you have done. You have shown me the best side of the world and prepared me for the worst. I am ready for the future now, thanks to you, I only wish I could share it with you. I will think of you every day and think of your smiling hazel eyes when I can't think of a good thing in the world.